Woes

I get a sinking feeling that I made a bad decision. I haven’t slept very well at all the past week and a half. Even this morning I was up around 5 a.m. with a throbbing headache. Exercising and water did not help. I am getting screwed over the car. Let’s recap: Herr’s Lincoln (his pride and joy) gets smushed by an absent minded doctor in Oklahoma a few days before our wedding in Minnesota. We end up in a nasty Ford F150, and then back in Oklahoma the week after the wedding so he can get back to work (the railroad owned his every waking and sleeping hour). While there, we had two or three days to find a new car. Neither of us have money (our honeymoon in Japan took everything I had), and because I have the credit, I end up taking a loan on a car (the Taurus) we saw for maybe an hour before I had to sign for it. Found a lot of problems with it, so over the last nine months (we bought the car in February), we fixed every little stupid thing while I made double payments on the loan.

I don’t even use the car and I make the payments on it and the insurance. It runs better than a lot of brand new vehicles. Herr uses it all in highway miles (so he could train service dogs). We aren’t taking it to Germany because I can’t afford it and we would rather not in the first place (we both prefer public transportation). Regardless, it’s no longer an option. I can’t even find money to cover the 2500 dollar monthly rent in Germany, and right now I don’t know what I am going to do about the car.

Then there’s Christmas Eve dinner. We’re hosting 11 people in our 8-900 square foot apartment (we don’t even own a couch), and we haven’t even bought the groceries. The job I am taking doesn’t have a team. I’ll be working alone, and with opposition from what I can tell (they don’t even do server side scripting, so getting a content management system is going to be very difficult). I don’t speak the language. I don’t have the money to live there. And I can’t get rid of the stupid car that’s going to drive me to ruins.

For at least an hour every night I lay in bed thinking of everything that I still need to do (much more than mentioned). I wake up with headaches knowing there’s no end to what I need to do. And on top of all this, despite going to the fitness center 5-6 times a week, I’m gaining weight, and it’s not muscle. Would someone just buy the stupid car so I can pay for the first month’s rent?? You’d think that with me going to Germany to directly support our troops and my trustworthiness (one potential buyer treated me like dirt saying I couldn’t be trusted; I had a major breakdown before he called back after agreeing to buy it and nonchalantly said “I’ll pass”), someone would find it in their heart to buy a perfectly fine car that’s in better shape than when we bought it for nearly double than what we’re asking. I need sleep, I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. And people need to get a heart.