Friday, my last day, was really hard for me. It started to feel real when I took down my personal affects and loaded my things onto a cart (lots of books). My colleagues gave me a going away party, so I got to see everyone at least one more time.

Saturday we finally sold the car. Herr took care of the whole thing, but he sold it for very very little “profit”. Just a little above the remainder of the loan, which still makes me cringe. I made double payments on that car, and we didn’t even sell it for 5k. I can’t complain because it’s sold, but I don’t ever want to get another car that isn’t completely paid off again. I got screwed on the whole thing, but at least there’s no more car to worry about. Still need to get all the paperwork done, though. I have been playing Atelier Iris to keep my mind off of it. I don’t want to think about it at all.

And that’s when it really hit me. Herr’s parents took us out yesterday to the Steamboat Arabia museum and Jack Stack’s for dinner, and driving back from the restaurant Herr mentioned it is less than a week before we leave now.

Less than a week before we’ll be on a plane to Germany.

After that realization came, I felt a bit claustrophobic/time crunched for everything and decided I needed more video games to help me not freak out. Today is the taking down of decorations and sorting of shipments. With some video gaming thrown in there somewhere. And food.

Tomorrow is my last day working with the Johnson County Library. I started here in a new position just over two years ago. We experienced a lot of changes, in structure, personnel, and software. We implemented a content management system from Sweden, designed and/or redesigned many Web sites (please see my portfolio for an overview), implemented ILLiad and upgraded (two interface designs), created a Flash literary map, started several podcasts, implemented CONTENTdm, two calendar systems, and much more than I can remember right now.

I have grown a lot over these last two years (sadly in the waistline as well, *sigh*), understanding software and Web technologies much better from theoretical and practical aspects. I work with a lot of fantastic people with exemplary and forward ideas; who understand and are the essence of what libraries can be. I hope I can take these experiences with me and provide to our troops the services the Johnson County Library exemplifies. This still doesn’t feel real, but I imagine as I pack up my belongings tomorrow it will start to sink in.

I get a sinking feeling that I made a bad decision. I haven’t slept very well at all the past week and a half. Even this morning I was up around 5 a.m. with a throbbing headache. Exercising and water did not help. I am getting screwed over the car. Let’s recap: Herr’s Lincoln (his pride and joy) gets smushed by an absent minded doctor in Oklahoma a few days before our wedding in Minnesota. We end up in a nasty Ford F150, and then back in Oklahoma the week after the wedding so he can get back to work (the railroad owned his every waking and sleeping hour). While there, we had two or three days to find a new car. Neither of us have money (our honeymoon in Japan took everything I had), and because I have the credit, I end up taking a loan on a car (the Taurus) we saw for maybe an hour before I had to sign for it. Found a lot of problems with it, so over the last nine months (we bought the car in February), we fixed every little stupid thing while I made double payments on the loan.

I don’t even use the car and I make the payments on it and the insurance. It runs better than a lot of brand new vehicles. Herr uses it all in highway miles (so he could train service dogs). We aren’t taking it to Germany because I can’t afford it and we would rather not in the first place (we both prefer public transportation). Regardless, it’s no longer an option. I can’t even find money to cover the 2500 dollar monthly rent in Germany, and right now I don’t know what I am going to do about the car.

Then there’s Christmas Eve dinner. We’re hosting 11 people in our 8-900 square foot apartment (we don’t even own a couch), and we haven’t even bought the groceries. The job I am taking doesn’t have a team. I’ll be working alone, and with opposition from what I can tell (they don’t even do server side scripting, so getting a content management system is going to be very difficult). I don’t speak the language. I don’t have the money to live there. And I can’t get rid of the stupid car that’s going to drive me to ruins.

For at least an hour every night I lay in bed thinking of everything that I still need to do (much more than mentioned). I wake up with headaches knowing there’s no end to what I need to do. And on top of all this, despite going to the fitness center 5-6 times a week, I’m gaining weight, and it’s not muscle. Would someone just buy the stupid car so I can pay for the first month’s rent?? You’d think that with me going to Germany to directly support our troops and my trustworthiness (one potential buyer treated me like dirt saying I couldn’t be trusted; I had a major breakdown before he called back after agreeing to buy it and nonchalantly said “I’ll pass”), someone would find it in their heart to buy a perfectly fine car that’s in better shape than when we bought it for nearly double than what we’re asking. I need sleep, I haven’t felt like myself in a long time. And people need to get a heart.