I feel like crap. I thought getting married was supposed to be a joyous event. No. All it is is making you do things you don't want to do. And people don't care that you don't want to do them. I have been organizing and documenting like mad, but it's never enough. My fiance's parents are so demanding I have wanted to strangle his mother several times now. Only builds my stress level. I am so stressed out from this, and then I have to be all smiles and happy on the day for hours on end while I make a public spectacle of myself for their amusement. Not mine. I could have had my wedding, a REAL wedding for just me and my fiance, but no, he wanted a bigger wedding. And now I am stuck doing all the work for a wedding I don't want to be at. I am sooo unbelievably stressed out.

On top of that, I appear to be a flibbertigibbet at work. I guess some things aren't supposed to be mentioned, even though I am not told they aren't supposed to be mentioned, and there I go. Saying things I am not supposed to say. And there I go. Apologizing to everyone for saying something. Even though I didn't even know it was a secret. I feel like crap at work. All I am doing is making more work for everyone else. And I am loud and obnoxious and outspoken. I get the feeling that I am sometimes in the way. I feel like I am in everyone's way. Even my fiance. All I do is give him more work, talk about things he doesn't want to discuss (details on the wedding)… does everyone just hate me? I mean, things would be better or more peaceful if I wasn't around, honestly. I don't even feel like a nice person anymore, people used to like me because I was nice. Now everyone just puts up with me. 🙁 And at work it's even worse because I am there an extra ten hours each week, which of course adds to my sanity immensely…

In the past month I have had about a half dozen nervous breakdowns. I am not meeting my “quota” of expectations, and the quality is, well, not even passable. As we found out moving, I apparently am also an irresponsible unclean person because we got charged nearly a hundred dollars. Let's not mention the fact that half the charges were for dust on appliances that are at least a foot above my head, so I would never have seen it to begin with. Right now, I hate my life.