What will be will be And so it goes And it always goes on and on…

I keep adding people to my networks in Facebook and Myspace, but while it answers the question of “where are they now?” it also rapes the innocence of childhood memories. Okay, so that may sound drastic, but I think about people in my past, I think of them as if they are still the same. Reconnecting with them, I see they have grown as well (this is, of course, a “duh” thing to say, but when it comes to memories, I think we all do it). I believe I have posted on this before, but it becomes overwhelming at times. Of everyone, I think I am the most like I was in high school. A little biased I know, but when I do talk to people I used to know, they all drink and do all these things that seem to somehow transform them into people I don't know. I still don't smoke, drink, swear, party, drink coffee, do drugs, etc. I don't know if that makes me boring… is that what I am supposed to be doing at this age? I think it's just silly.

But with Facebook especially, you can watch other people's lives, essentially. Okay, I admit, a bit stalker-esque, but the feature can be turned off if wanted. To see some of the pictures people post, or what they are doing… it's great to connect with them and be able to contact them when I need to, but I feel more an outsider than ever. I tried talking to a close friend I haven't seen in ages. It's hard sometimes. Then they're always going off to meet with their friends, and I am stuck in this apartment. Not like I don't have a million things to do that force me to be here, but people just don't want me around. I'm like the stick in the mud (or people have families, that usually creates a barrier…). I hate that about getting older. I don't participate in all these “grown up” things, and somehow I don't fit into any group. Not even my memories, the people I knew from my past. Even the closest social network, that between two lovers, is distant for me. At least I get to talk to my fiancee daily, but it really isn't the same.

So, while it's wonderful to finally connect to all these people again and it gives me some comfort to know that I am not forgotten completely, it is unsettling. I have never felt more lonely than I have in Kansas. Not even a video game friend to play with – the madness.