I think it is time for a change of pace… no more sadness! I can be a drama queen sometimes, and I have been overreacting quite a bit at work too (web design can be such a battle!). While I really do feel alone nearly all the time, I need to learn how to cope with it better and make some more personal friends. But that isn't why I write!

My birthday was pretty just me, but one person did join me and that helped. On Monday, Hoyt finally made it in, but he is sooo sick… he was able to stay until today, but he left still coughing very hard and with stuffy nose. That didn't stop us on some things (but we didn't do much otherwise… besides sleep…), and one of the biggest steps forward… we're engaged!

Okay, I know. The juicy details… well, Hoyt got dressed up in a fancy tux and I in my new evening gown. We headed over to the Hyatt Regency's Skies, a revolving restaurant that overlooks most of Kansas City. lol Hoyt was a bit antsy and asked before the course even hit the table in such a cute manner! He is such a cutie… aftwards, he was pretty aloof and quite entranced with the train yards visible from the 41st floor… lol, I had to ask him when we got back whether it was a bad aloof (sudden feeling of restrictions) or a good aloof (cloud nine). He confirmed the latter and before I could even get my shoes off he collapsed in almost a dead sleep. :-p

My only complaint is we did not get any real cuddle time before he had to leave today. I had to work (even cutting out an hour), and he was still quite sleepy… it feels fate is against us when we finally get more than a day and a half together and he is so exhausted from over three weeks straight of twelve hour work days and horrible sickness. Ah well, calling him fiancee instead of boyfriend is finally starting to sink in, and he seems to be content (in a sick tired sort of way). No date set, our priority is to get him back here first. The ring is beautiful though, and he picked it out. Yay!

All I want is friends, just some people I can call or hang out with. I feel like a hermit, and those who I could only wish wouldn't mind hanging out with me would rather be by themselves. To each their own, I know, but it's getting so difficult to live here, moreso now that I really am living alone. No one at my apartment complex answers their door, and those who I do see are at the pool breaking their contract by bringing alcohol into the pool area and acting irrationally, even in front of minors.

I am going to make an even greater effort to find someone who is willing to be my friend. I know some colleagues at work wouldn't mind doing something if they didn't have families and other things going on, but it truly hurt that only one was willing to spare a few hours to not leave me by myself on my birthday. Already I have contacted some other organizations in the area to volunteer, and hopefully they have projects I can get to by bus.

I haven't been myself these past few months as well, and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. The stress of Hoyt moving and taking his car, the culmination of deadlines and many hands in the cookie jar on projects I could have finished long ago, and even my mom's discovery of active tumors and surgery have all affected my usual bouncy attitude. I blame myself mostly for still not having anyone I can call to do things with, but it feels as if the whole state of Kansas shuns me. I can only hope this perception only exists in my little isolated corner of the world, and my new endeavors to find purpose and friendships will raise my spirits.

Some days I wonder if I really should have finished my application to the Peace Corps. I was already nominated, all I had to do was send my medical information and next month I would have been in Kazahkstan providing technical relief and expertise to those who need it and me. I don't need to be needed, just wanted as a friend. It's such a simple thing, but somehow so hard to achieve. Even my old friends metaphorically shake their head at me, saying who couldn't help but like me? I miss them, more than they know, and I miss friendship above all else. I am so glad at least someone was able to spend some time with me yesterday, she is a wonderful person. I hope I can be as much a friend to her as she needs or wants.