I don't want to be lonely no more

All I want is friends, just some people I can call or hang out with. I feel like a hermit, and those who I could only wish wouldn't mind hanging out with me would rather be by themselves. To each their own, I know, but it's getting so difficult to live here, moreso now that I really am living alone. No one at my apartment complex answers their door, and those who I do see are at the pool breaking their contract by bringing alcohol into the pool area and acting irrationally, even in front of minors.

I am going to make an even greater effort to find someone who is willing to be my friend. I know some colleagues at work wouldn't mind doing something if they didn't have families and other things going on, but it truly hurt that only one was willing to spare a few hours to not leave me by myself on my birthday. Already I have contacted some other organizations in the area to volunteer, and hopefully they have projects I can get to by bus.

I haven't been myself these past few months as well, and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. The stress of Hoyt moving and taking his car, the culmination of deadlines and many hands in the cookie jar on projects I could have finished long ago, and even my mom's discovery of active tumors and surgery have all affected my usual bouncy attitude. I blame myself mostly for still not having anyone I can call to do things with, but it feels as if the whole state of Kansas shuns me. I can only hope this perception only exists in my little isolated corner of the world, and my new endeavors to find purpose and friendships will raise my spirits.

Some days I wonder if I really should have finished my application to the Peace Corps. I was already nominated, all I had to do was send my medical information and next month I would have been in Kazahkstan providing technical relief and expertise to those who need it and me. I don't need to be needed, just wanted as a friend. It's such a simple thing, but somehow so hard to achieve. Even my old friends metaphorically shake their head at me, saying who couldn't help but like me? I miss them, more than they know, and I miss friendship above all else. I am so glad at least someone was able to spend some time with me yesterday, she is a wonderful person. I hope I can be as much a friend to her as she needs or wants.