In the very least, I am finding my voice is more annoying than creative, innovative, or even plain useful. I come off as irritated to people, and somehow offend just about anyone that hears me. I would be better off not speaking at all. I tried this once while in Mongolia, taking a short vow of silence to regroup my thoughts and only say pertinent useful thoughts and information. What resulted was just a lot of distress by those around me. Imagine first trying to interpret someone speaking English (a language not very recognized in Mongolia), then trying to interpret a mute English-speaking student… in the end though, I felt a lot better having no obligations to respond and letting my own thoughts mull about in my own head. With Hoyt on nights this week, it doesn't seem like he will be calling at all. Not that he informed me of this, he's just not calling… argh!! Looking at my work schedule, the only day I could consider taking a vow of silence is Friday, and I have a dentist appointment that day… so I'll have to talk to them… I just want to focus on my writings, whether it is a story, a proposal (I have mixed feelings about my bus proposal now… why should anyone care about my misfortunes?), or a letter to Hoyt. Too bad my desktop wasn't more portable.
I find myself more and more apologizing for things I have said or reactions to words being said. While in the past I was very good at just whining about silly things, I seem to have taken it too far recently. It may be because I feel stifled, or unconsciously I feel I have been wronged and am now taking it out in every thought I have… but I do know that I am finding myself quite outspoken on just about every subject. Maybe it is because of how frustrated I am; Hoyt keeps carelessly mentioning me leaving my job so he can feel better about moving to Oklahoma (by me joining him there that is). I really do want to be with him, and I know he really does have nothing but good intentions, but why do I have to leave my job? That's so archaic. And it's not going to happen. Unfortunately, it's stressing me out enough to make me rather unpleasant at work, somewhat blame shifting my wanting to keep my job for our relationship's current status. It's way not cool. I'm probably thinking into it too much.